By Marc Thaler
Managing Sports Editor

Divorce is never a laughing matter. Unless, of course, the split relates to battery mates.

Prior to the season’s first pitch, when Doug Mirabelli was sent from Boston to San Diego, his replacement as Tim Wakefield’s personal catcher was among winter’s hot topics.

Last year, New York’s Randy Johnson preferred firing pitches to John Flaherty instead of Jorge Posada. Other hurlers have their own backstops, too.

It’s laughable. It’s absurd. It’s also the premise for this column: The funny and infuriating aspects of athletics.

• At all levels of competition, people who drastically overrate the importance of team chemistry.

More articles • This is it • Nitwit nation • Closing argument • Patriots 102 • Show me the funny! • Tito has veto power • Impact was (mid) major • Patriots 101 • First-ever 'Noddies' • Pigs are flying • Coming to my senses • Farewell to this King • Preseason pressure • New blood • Beautiful day • Game may spark a Super discussion • Boy, his actions make me wonder • First night • Spill on a slippery slope • Groundhog Day on Yawkey Way • Saving the best for last • This Boss born to coach USA • Pa, it appears, still knows best • Giving thanks, gridiron style • Still not convinced they're Super • A costly lesson in time management • Unchallenged and unimpressive • Final thoughts on the '05 season • Story could have horrific ending • Man behind the Mike • Less than Wild about this finish • That's all, Foulke • Several holes in these Sox • Making a generous Pey-ment

• Coaches and players whose teams, they point out around playoff time, control their own destiny. Beyond the fact it’s an overused cliche, the statement is incorrect. Unless you’re Doc Brown, creator of the Flux Capacitor, it’s impossible to dictate what the future holds.

• The continued practice of relating sports to war.

Sportswriters and athletes alike describe gritty games in this manner. The promise to quit this practice after 9/11 lasted, sadly, a few weeks.

• Parents who believe their child is tomorrow’s top professional athlete. Just because we’re living in Lebron James’s world, doesn’t mean lil’ Johnny is jumping straight to the NBA.

• Children, for that matter, who believe their parents, and have the attitude of today’s most arrogant athletes to prove it.

• Swinging at the first pitch with the bases loaded. When a pitcher has no place to put ’em, lack of patience at the plate is a rally killer.

• Free-throw shooters who leave the line to slap five with teammates – after missing the shot.

• Professional athletes and coaches who sign contracts with new teams, but can’t admit they made the move simply for the money.

• Coaches, particularly in high school, who say their teams are entering a “rebuilding year.” Speaking these words is code for “You’ll find us by the furnace in the cellar of our league.”

• When postseason play rolls around, the vast majority of teams that motivate themselves by saying “nobody expected us to be here.”

Hearing those words triggers my gag reflex. A line like that only works for the squad in a rebuilding year.

• Basketball players who foul the opposition to stop the clock when trailing by more than six points, or two possessions, with less than 60 seconds to play.

• Super Bowls played anywhere but Miami, New Orleans or Pasadena, Calif.

• Body armor for batters who choose to crowd home plate.

Anyone daring to hang over the dish to protect the outer half should be forced to feel the sting of a fastball fired too far inside.

• Reporters who ask some form of the question, “How does it feel?”

Other variations equally vile include, “You’ve gotta feel good about ...” following a win, or “You must be extremely frustrated ...” in the aftermath of a loss.

• Watching an official’s flag fall to the turf for a pass-interference penalty in the NFL.

This infraction is the most damaging in professional sports because the ball is placed at the spot of the foul, whether five or 50 yards down field.

Interference is called too often for unavoidable contact.

Unless the official witnesses blatant holding by the receiver or defender, refrain from throwing the flag. Either that, or adopt the college rule and penalize the team 10 yards.

• Lastly, this individual definitely deserves a place in this space for his actions, best described by his initials.

Baseball’s comedic commissioner, Bud Selig.